Wednesday, May 03, 2006

At A Loss

So here's been the deal with me for the last couple months: I love a woman who is not in love with me (if you recall my posts back in December and January). For the last 5 months I have been trying my best to be friends with her and had been succeeding. I had liked someone else, and so had she. I gave her encouragement and advice on her boy situations and she has been supportive in all my girl endeavors. In the last few months our friendship has grown, we've been talking a lot more, having phone conversations, and hanging out once in awhile. It's been a pretty big deal to me because this was the woman who said we could only be "surfing friends". I feel like I had conquered that and proved that you can't set a limitation, nor label, a relationship. But I feel like this last weekend she had totally betrayed all that.

Her and I went surfing about a
week and a half ago and had a blast. Seeing that we had such a great time, I called her on Friday and wanted to see if she was up for it again for Saturday morning. Well, she wasn't feeling too good and we chatted for a bit and I said "Well, don't worry too much about surfing, just feel better ok? Maybe we can go Sunday morning." and she enthusiastically said "Yeah!" and told her to give me a call and let me know how's she's feeling, and she replied "I will." So Saturday I went out and surfed and had a good time and text msg'd her that it was fun and that hoped she was feeling better and that she'd come out to play on Sunday. No response. Ok, not a big deal...she usually responds but she's probably busy. The next day, I was hoping I'd see her out in the water...nope. Well, she's again probably got a lot going on... so again, I text msg'd her the surf conditions, telling her she should get out and surf and asked how she was feeling. No response. Tuesday, I emailed her telling how fun it was this weekend and she finally replied to me. She said she had been busy and that she did in fact go surfing both Saturday and Sunday in the evenings. Hmmmm... she never once mentioned that she was thinking about going in the evening. And she usually always responds to my text msg's at some point. I mean, she doesn't have to respond, but it would've been nice to know what was going on.

Am I expecting way too much as a friends? Am I taking this too personally? Am I letting my personal feelings for her get the best of me? I am upset, but should I be? We both really did have a good time the past weekend, so I just don't quite understand what happened here. She once mentioned to me that after I told her my feelings that she had retreated (Drama Post) in fear of us getting too close and me getting hurt. But somehow I don't think that was really about me. I called her yesterday, saying that I was bummed that she didn't mention wanting to go out in the evening and how I had wanted to surf with her. No response still. I guess she doesn't want to surf with me, that would be my interpretation of what's happening. I just don't understand why.

My heart and my mind are in conflict, making what I should do extremely difficult. I would like to believe that our relationship is more than her just loving the attention I give her. She has no idea that I love her (she thought I had a silly crush, and I am over her), at least I think she doesn't. If that is the case, that it's all about the attention, I don't want her to know and have that advantage. Besides, my love isn't the point of all this, it's about the treatment of a friend that is the issue. The only real option is not to say anything to her at all for awhile.

Hearing, "There will be someone else" and "be patient" is of no comfort when you know you absolutely know who you love. Thanks anyway if that is what you were thinking of commenting :) Well, I have a "Cinco de Drinko" party on friday, so at least I will be getting out for some social contact.


Anonymous said...

Won’t tell you to be patient etc etc.

I will tell you that with in my, not as limited as some may think, experiences in these types of situations, it is best to just get out.

The fact is that in cases where one person is in love with another and the other person is not in love with that person things very seldom just turn into a situation that is mutually loving.

I personally do not think one can be friends with someone one thinks they are in love with, at least not until way down the road and that only after much, much, much time has passed.

No matter what you feel it is a serious waste of time and energy and part of your life is passing you by while you wait.

I also believe that despite what people say about relationships growing into something from nothing or from friendship that in most cases, or cases worth anything, that most people know immediately and in synchronicity if they are meant to be together and if both people don’t know that the one who does not is not going to get to that place no matter how long the other one is willing to wait.

That is my honest opinion. I am a selfish person. I would think of myself and get out of the whole thing setting aside the friendship for my own piece of mind and to enhance my ability to get on with my real future.

cooper said...

that was cooper.

Love ya.

Leigh said...

Hi Coop- I realize the reality of it all, and it just sucks. I know what I have to do, but man is it hard. Thanks for ya too dear

cooper said...

hugs babes

Madame Mahima said...

i dunno leigh...everytime this sorta thing happened to my friend i'd say 'hang in optimistic..maybe he/she really was very busy'
but its so different when it happens to you..
i reckon it doesnt take someone very long to reply an SMS or two..
i mean yea she couldve been incredibly busy but she shouldve still said SOMETHING about the sms's or the fact that you asked her and she couldnt come..its common courtesy!

it could be quite possible that she herself is feeling a bit confused and trying to put some distance between the two of u? just to probably figure out how she feels..

dont be bummed out but dont have any expectations either, babe..
(expectations lead to disappointment and blahblahblah..u know what i mean)

shayna said...

I don't know what to say... except... I love ya... and... I know that love stinks sometimes...

Did that help? If not... then... who knows... maybe... just maybe... she has feelings for you and is just a little scared...

i don't know the answer and how to make you feel better... I'm sorry!

Leigh said...

Thanks again Coop, hugs back at ya!

Mahi! Good to see you! You are right, hold no expectations and there will be no dissappointment. I feel a lot better since this morning, so I'm not bummed :)

Shayna- ya too! Thank you for listening and just being here... no other words needed :) I do feel a lot better now!